Absence. A treatment.

Absence. My mind has been riding the waves of unnecessary indecisivenes for long. It has endured sleepless nights and found no comfort in the future days. The past has shown it no consolation either. Only dusted off, the painful memories drew chains around my ankles and wrists while making it almost impossible to not feel their weight.

After all, this is a form of absence. Absence from the present moment. A possibility of living through frozen glasses, contemplating the passing of time and only then realising the happiness hidden in each moment which was. As if walking through abandoned streets, seeing the ghosts of the past enjoying the Sun and the fragrant flowers while you sit behind a veil of time. When did such creations of mind start to do so? Don't they belong to a place of darkness and fear? They do not see you and you do not speak. Soon those movements, the shapes of their pale faces and the voices, cracking the ground beneath your feet, remind you of long-lost memories. These are the figures of your childhood, the figures of two months ago, the figures of yesterday. Yet somehow, they seem happy. Stuck in your tracks, the moments you wished finished seem enjoyable, dragging you back in a form of regret. Why didn't you feel the air on your skin when the wind was colder than ever? Why didn't you prolong the moments with the passed into nothingness? And why do you look back now? When just behind you there might be the change of a life time.

The songs you once felt through each of your Christmases are now the shadows of your tears. The hands you once held have turned cold under the stones bearing names. The candle lights have been absorbed into darkness. Yet you remain. You try to hum a little song which made you happy, you try to change your perspective- but what use? Someone needs to see in order to move, in order to see beyond. But only reminiscing the now numb feelings and focusing on its fleeting nature serve as premised for building walls. The sooner you try to move, you realise that your trials, aimed at warming up the sheets where you lie at night, only cage the souls which try to escape. Then, each day is not the promised joy or the hoped thankfulness, but the "could have been" written as the clouds cover the sky. Words leave your shape a washed line in the loneliness of the room. And you wait for another and another day.

When will you stop being absent? When will you free yourself from unnecessary pain and worries? The answer is hard to tell. I can only admit that sometimes just walking through darkness may serve you better. Your eyes get accustomed to low light. There's a weary path ahead- you'll soon start seeing patterns, you may discover a lamp and if you're brave enough you may light up the empty space. But only if you walk through when you felt nothing was there.

Slowly, we are all trying to be happy again. Happy as we were in our childhoods, free as we were when we lived for the moment. We all lose something throughout life, but that should not be the youth present in each moment. Remember and cherish your memories and learn to be happy through them. Learn to be happy from your past self. If times were good back then, they will transform into sunlight again and again.


Cristina. (trying to live in the present again)

Life of Balance

Your life is like a velvet, smooth surface. No particular limits or shapes. No particular force of disturbance result in happiness. Weightless emotions. The details are unchanging, the texture is unbroken.

However, aren't there holes or pinches in each canvas, as one hangs a painting on a wall?  Those objects hide the damage, they display only the colours of vividness. Just as we do.

Our surface is a canvas, on which we position our decisions and our paths. Nevertheless, we are unbalanced, from the mindset we undertake to the responses to actions beyond our control. As if it were a balance, this multitude of events weights down on one side or the other. It then becomes too heavy and leans on to your mind.   Heavy enough that it punches a hole, through our beliefs and through our happiness. Eventually, we find ways of consolation, and we embed the broken fabric into a knot, which we try to forget. Time passes and other balances find their way. During the last Sunset of life, the knots leave no space in between. And that's when many realise they shouldn't have let the balance decide the course. The should have made it jump, should have opposed with force so that the lessons learnt could be felt and the happiness found within.

A Christmas Tale Before The Farewell

Are we everlasting? Sometimes I think not all is finished ever. And that we carry on even when gone, as our memories were never made in vain, I hope.

I fortunately associate the song that was playing in the background, the delicate or strong scent, the vivid colours, with the special moment I was blessed with. Thus, whenever I encounter these now attributes of the event I get the chance to re-enter the past and re-live those memories as if in a trance, and in a somewhat of a melancholic state of mind. It is sometimes hard to let go of them and so, the fact that it is only a re-played record I get to experience, I am stuck in between times. I long to find the tranquility that characterized some memories, the happiness found in some others, and the 

A Cloud of Fog Surrounds London

London has been the dream tourist destination for a long time, and for many people.

Yet the image and the details regarding this city stop at a single word: tourist. The city through the eyes of a tourist, of a wanderer, curious to discover the culture and the
eye-catching twinkling lights on a famous street, is always filtered and altered by the excitement and the idea briefly encountered in movies. 

Have you seen the grand Buckingham Palace or Westminster and St. Paul's Cathedral? These are stickers usually associated with the dreamy life in London, where a chance of rain is the usual and where Sherlock Holmes decoded mysteries.

As it is and as it was, the events roll out relatively smoothly: the visit of a few days which becomes the base of wonder-filled stories and pictures capturing the idea in front of the layer of fog.

A layer of fog which clouds the true life of the weary resident you see rushing down the street, who doesn't get the chance to get quickly to the airport for the type of vacation the tourist benefits from. 

The soft anxiety enveloping the idea of the plane ride, during which you may flip through a couple of guides or you may just wait and see what this adventure has to offer, goes away as fast as sound.

The Autumn of Senses and Emotions

I am almost sure that none of us realises when leaves start changing colours; we are only aware of this process once more and more trees begin to expose the effects brought about by the air of September and October. Then, once the vivacity of the new season captures our eyes in such a way that it becomes unbearable, we are forced to admit that the warm is gone and we should, maybe, put a coat on, a sweater, add a few layers and possibly even let our noses rest behind the comforting scarf (something worth discussing as the moment you feel the cold you become involuntarily addicted to an object you may not always have at your disposal-keep this in mind for later). Further, our entire behaviour changes day by day. We anticipate the cold outside by employing certain newly made habits: we check the weather forecast weeks in advance (even if it's not the most accurate), we look at the sky the first thing in the morning for signs of rain, we ask other people who had ventured beyond the protecting walls of home what's it like outside...

reasons

Reasons

I have been thinking for a while now about how I should approach certain topics and issues I’ve been having with my life, myself and my writing. However, the answers to my many questions are fuzzy and tangled in keywords that only guide me towards a reason, a reason to hope that I’ll have a clear idea of where everything is headed. Fortunately, I am only going to outline the new philosophy for this blog here, as you’ll probably get a sense of where I am as a person through the way my content evolves.

I should probably try and explain the background of this decision and the place where we start this development.

Calm

           

       I feel like I've been through hell and come out for one day only- that is, after almost 2 years of studying continuously( that is, every single day) I have this one day when I don't have to do anything work-related. And it's calming but at the same time I'm trying not to get too attached to this feeling- it doesn't feel OK not reading anything science-related( I probably won't last until evening). The worst thing about this situation and basically what makes me tired the most is that I have to travel for about 10 hours by train to get to the exam center- and I've been doing so for a whole year soon.

                  However, a few days ago during my trip I got to admire a whole different scenery in the mountains. As it has been snowing for some time in my country, everything I saw made it feel